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Hey there

I'm still alive and all is well so far...sorry for you all to hear and read my depressive moods from time to time.
Maybe in the next time I'll finally have a job. I hope for it.

Wish me luck^^

21.April 20011

seems like I'm a good for nothing girl and that I'm only useful if I  would lay down and die....
Had a quarrel with him again...he said that he doesn't care about a thing I do....
I'm at my means end.
If someone can help...feel free to reply.


Hey I'm back again.

as you probably noticed I changed the status of this blog to only friends comments.
I DO NOT apreciate some random people advertising sex-tourism on my blog!!

I hope this ends now...

Finally march is nearly over. In four days there's my birthday and I wonder what a birthday it will be this year.
My father is dead....which means I wont spent the day with my family.
Since today my Bf is in hospital and I have no idea if he will be back in time to celebrate  with me...and in what condition.
(the shunt in his arm for dialysis was to small and they have to make it bigger.)

In the end march was a kinda fun month, must be the good weather.
I finally found a job I could think about doing for the rest of my live. You know those guys who make the advertising on cars, and houses. That's it. It's a fun job and I can be as crative as I want. ^^

c ya

EDIT: Now I kknow....he'll be probably back in 2 weeks...



This is the next entry:

A lot has happend since the last one.

My boyfriend and I managed to get over our differencies... I hope it will last. You need a long breath for that.
My job-hunt did nothing to ease my mood...but that's going to change.

Dear Anonymous:
I find it good that you at least try to comment on blogs you read...however I couldn't help in finding your comment a bit creepy. If you want to comment further, I say, do so...but please in a less creepy way.
Thank you .

My bf finally has gotten the diagnosis for his desease (kidneys) and he's been going to Dialysis since the beginning of the month. He responds well to it and beside being a bit short of breath and a black and blue arm he has no difficulties so far. He even feels more fit now which is good for ourt relationship. He talks more and likes to do stuff again.

My job hunt may be on a good turn for once.
On friday I put my application for a cooking job in our town into the post. On saturday afternoon the manager called me for an interview on the next Wednesday, which will be next week.
I hope this will be  it ^^ Wish me luck.

I rediscovered Softair as a nice sport. We went to a puplisher and I got myself a Colt UHC ...don't know exactly what model it should be but it looks like a Colt python with a 6" barrel. When I got home I discovered that something on the chamber was broken which led to the revolver not firing properly. We fixed that with superglue and no she runs as smooth as oil.
maybe someday I'll put a picture up. ^^

have a nice day,



Hey there…

I guess nobody will want to read this but if anyone wants to listen to my ramblings. Feel free …and sorry for the bad grammar.

Today seems to be a special day …never had a depression like this coming around. Yeah I can feel it. She’ s lurking around the corner ready to tear into me with anger, frust and despair.

I hate feeling like this! Helpless…useless.

I’m turning 27 this march and I can say I accomplished nothing…absolutfucking nothing!

Maybe I should be proud of myself. Achieving something of this scale is admirable. Maybe there are only the pills speaking….I don’t know.

The world is a shitty place, if wish someone would simply take notice and say something about it. Wishful thinking there…definitely.


I don’t know anymore what I want to do…it all blurs in the end and then there’s the big sign on the wall which says “What’s the gain?” There’s nobody to impress, to protect or else….nobody cares.


Maybe I should wallow in my self-doubts, linger in my frustrated emotions and simply cry without end? Today I don’t care….today I decided to be just like the rest and don’t care a dime about what the others do and feel. Though it’s eating me up from inside.


It hurts when the people you love turn their backs on you,  metaphorical speaking of course. I guess everybody needs people to love and to be loved by them.

I didn’t make it easy for them…I’m a hugely privat person and I don’t like jokes on my expanse.


I just want to smash anything onto a wall, yell at him for hours till maybe then he’ll see what he’s been doing to me in the last past months.

He said I’ve become paranoid, sensing  emotions and interpreting things in the entirely wrong way….maybe he’s right. However he won’t acknowledge the fact that he generated thi s paranoia through the times when he constantly reminds me of my shortcomings and mistakes.

Maybe I’m a bad and egoistic person after all?


I don’t care…now for real. Congratulations world. You’ve done it. You’ve broken me after 26 long years…hope your happy now.


I’m 26, still have no job, my relatives on both sides (foster family ) just seem to remember me when they want something, my relationship is turning for the worse and running away through my fingers, I have to spend halve the day with mindless teenagers in a group and come home to an indifferent boyfriend who also likes to remind me that I’m responsible for this mess in the first place.

Someday I fracture my skull really bad with the way I bash it against the walls when I’m angry. To yell… well that’s not allowed. Somebody could wake up, the neighbors could hear etc. etc.

So I’ve got only one option left : hurting myself before I hurt others. I’m this close on trying out the emo stuff ….but I guess even then nobody would care.  Hell, I dare say that nobody would care if I tried to jump out of the window right now. Not that there is anybody around at the moment.

Where’s my self-confidence you ask? I don’t know…it really never was there to begin with I guess.

It was just a card-box image and when you poked a finger at it, it would crash down like a card-house.


Why can’t I just stay in peace somewhere and do what I want?  I should stop taking care of my enviroment  and just do what I please. Though then the next big crash is brewing in the background, because I failed to take notice of the things which other people want!

Gah! I hate it.

That was the set of things yesterday. I guess me and my Boyfriend are in for a rocky road if I try to find out what I want again.

c ya around.




I've finally come to get the right computer to write this damn thing.

Christmas and new years eve were a desaster. Normally we would have friends over to try and play RPG till midnight but no one of the guys had planed anything.
Which resulted in my BF being angry later on. Sometimes he really has those weird mood cycles, a phase were he gets really depressive, given his condition it's no wonder but it hurts when I see him like that and often he takes it out on me.

Other half of the month was nearly uneventful, a few squabbles here and there. We had the really bad thing right after christmas and New year. I guess I was close to a nervous breakdown. Maybe I let those things get to me too much.
All the cities here on the Main (a river in Germany) have to battle the flood. My hometown is somewhat surrounded by water and several cities have been closed due to the water getting into the city about maybe 3m high.
Now it seems like I've got a serious cold and  I will go to the doctor tomorrow evening.

I still have no internet and no job. I think about going freelance, but I guess I have to take a serious look at that beforehand.

SUE! If you read this: You need a designer? Or someone making pictures for you? Just e-mail me. For real.


the year

hey there...

haven't been around much. Whoever keeps in touch with this journal will probably know why.

The year was long and the last half of it was quite draining. I almost did no drawing anymore but I guess that's going to change if I can pull myself together in the next year.

I had quite a a few happings.
A lot of problems with me finding a job and similar things ( I still don't have one...)
A lot of personal and relationship-related problems

I learned that humans are generally assholes when they are shocked or don't know what to do.

At the end of september my father died, a fact on which I still have to chew ...so I guess it was quite an eventful year.
I hope that the saying : " May you live in interesting times!" will not come true for me the next year.

I think  I will give this thing more of a journal character ( finally ) which means I will have to write down what happens to me (hopefully I can pull this through)

So we see us probably next year.

Good luck and happy times to all of you ( where ever you are ) ^^


update (late)


my father died on Monday the 27.Sept. 2010. He was almost 68.

He died 2 hours after my visit in the hospital. I wasn't there when it happened, it was already difficult to get there in the first place so I did get the message from my brother.
On friday the 6th was the official funeral, but he'll be burned and he gets a special grave in a forest cemetary.

I'll try to light a candle for him on Dec. the 28th. That was his birthday.

to all out there:

Talk to your parents, say that you love them and give them a big hug (best would be everyday) from me and for me ...I didn't have the opportunity at the last moment.

good luck


update on happenings

hey there, to whom ever it may concern

I'm still alive and well, still looking for a job but I'll hope to get that managed soon (i'll never give up).

My forster father is in hospital since monday with serious brain damage, bloodvessels in his brain burst on Monday morning and he collapsed in the bathroom. I have heard from this at 10pm on Monday.
On tuesday he's got a high fever and he has been unconcious since Monday. (sort of like self induced coma.)
I'll go visit him next week so I can say goodbye to hoim.

Regarding that I'm through with my sisters... family problems...

So far this is all I guess I will update some day again.



just to state that I'm still alive and well. Since LJ is starting to delete accounts ^^

c ya all