Burn out  with 25 is not nice.

just for the protocol...I'm just angry right now, so whoever thinks 'm a whiny bitch at the moment can kiss their sorry asses to hell.
I don't care anymore. It's not like anybody would care about me...

Come on, feel sorry for the little idiot who can't do a fucking thing in live by herself. I'm done with it!
I hate it, that appearantly anything I touch is going to hell in the moment. Thanks heaven i'm just trying to get by so would be so kindly in NOT 
Throwing a desatser my way every fucking cheerful minute!!
I think finally everything is allright and I did something right, then it turns to hell the next the minute.

God, I hate it !!

+
hey there...

Seems like have a new surge in creativity.
So many projects want to be finished.

Here's a list for example:

Fiction. (in progress):

Long winter nights (yeaI'm going to finish that on ^^chapter 12 needs some tweeking still) 
Fur on velvet (probably sequel or a snap-shot to that above haven't decided if a one-shot or else)
i'm definintly trying to get another sequel for this going!

One night in Bangkok (already working on chapter 2)
Rebaudequin O.T.O.M.E (born after a discussion about the reality-metre of Otome...it's going to be interesting.)

Original Stuff:

CME A soldiers story (something crafted together with my boyfriend)

Drawings:

illustrations for Long winter nights
Rebaudequin sketches and pictures
CME Soldiers story (the comic)
City lights down (Doujinshi...way-ward sequel to Long winter nights)
Diverse pictures i draw along the way


So i've got quite a lot to finish here.

See ya all

Greetings

sarcastic-dog

hey guys....

someone really seems to hate me.
Now while everything is working out fine, I've got a flat, a boyfriend, many friends and I've got the apprenticeship in the film company here in Wuerzburg.
So why doe the guy above...(if he even exists) to get my boyfriend into hospital again.
Something is wrong with his kidneys, he's staying there since the beginning of the week and they don't know from where the problems are coming.
and if he IS allowed to come home maybe nex week, they till would have shoved some plastic tubes into him again to get rid of his bad kreatinin value (how the kidneys work).

Besides I have the fear that he won't come back at all.....that's irational I know but I guess that comes from seeing at least wo close relatives die in hospital. I'm literally on edge here....I can't sleep very well because he's not here, I almost cry every time when I have him on the phone (heck I'm crying now for gods sake....) my blood pressure is somewhere up in the clouds and i can't calm down...

Maybe I'm coming over as a whiny an whimpy ..but this is really hard for me. Especially when I know that his desease will in the end (maybe 20 or 30 years, maybe even quicker...) prove fatal.

I'm just asking for a little bit of luck on my part... however the universe seems to love it to kick me in the guts....


Edit: he came back yesterday, hopefully he'll be back in his old shape in two weeks. 

Hey...

I post here just to sow thatI'm alive and well.
Maybe I get an apprentice-ship in a small film-company. Would be good for my applications.

Wish me luck ^^

So, here i am after all the Christmas and New years eve stuff.
(belated greetings to everyone ...wasn't abel to get to a PC in this time...)
I'm still looking for a job and kind of thinking about becoming an illustrator....but that would mean I would work
in no regular job. ...Gah! why does it always have to be so complicated for me...

Enough of my rantings.
I hope everyone remembers the story i was writing over at ff.net.
I read it over again and found some things I like to change.
So i'm doing a rewrite now and want your opinion on this ...
...
and I'm planning on a little filmproject to this...just some scenes..maybe i can get it right
and then I'll show you all.

 

( first chapter rewrite...read it!  )

as for all the others, I wish you well in this new year and hope that I can write more often. ^^

see you all

 

hey...

so my application didn't work. Well, well seems like i have to look for other jobs then.

i already tried one fo the police ...if there is no age-limit maybe I'll get a job there.


Hope everyone is alright.

I'll update my fanfiction today...and after a few words with friends maybe I'm going to overwrite it. I'll try to ship atound any clichès...so i think I have change a few things. Maybe you're going to find out a lot more about the land and it's people.  

hello there...

just wrote to let you all know that I'm still alive. I'm in some sort of program for unemployed people now,
they let you find addresses, write applications and stuff.
i like it...it's a personal thing, not like the stuff my boyfriend is doing right now. He's in some sort of "school-programm" and just sits around all day doin nothing 'cause everything they're teaching, he knows already.

The good news is:

i wrote a application yesterday,put it into post and TADAAAA today the company phoned me and said they want to talk to me tomorrow at nine.
If i get this job i'll be a media-designer (digital and print) in three years.

so wish me luck

^^

so....finally I'm here again and this is the picture I promised you silverduran . I hope you like it.







and my story has been continued. I'll post chapter 9 and 10 and I hope the readers will like it. unforunately because I have no access to the internet all day (or week) I can't have these chapters be betaed.
Duran if you read them and find any mistakes, notify me....^
Chapter 11 is in progress.


So long see you then ^^


</lj>

so..here I am again. Still don't have any internet. maybe next year.

i'm writing this from the computer of my friends grandpa with very unusual keyboard so please don't mind any mistakes.

today I would have updated my story in FF.net...but I was to stupid to put the chapters on the stick...but this week I definitly will update it.

I hope everyone is allright this far..and


silverduran i miss our talks on MSN...and your picture is finally finished ^^ i try to put on this journal the next timeI'm on ^^

Hey guys ..

I just wanted to let you know that I'm still alive and kicking.

If anybody on FF.net asks in the reviews where the hell I am...the story is definitly going on...and I've got lot's of ideas for new stuff.
It just takes so long to get everything settled here..still no internet...;_;

so if anybody ask just refer them to my blog.

thank you ^^

c ya

yeah

hey guys,

 I'm just writing to let all know that I'm still alive, the moving went without problems...only that I have zero furniture now...>_< and I won't have internet for an unknown amount of time..still have to talk about that with a few people.

I passed the finals and everthing is okay for the moment, I want to update "Long winter nights" but till I haven't got any conection that won't be possible. besides my Pc is'nt working at the moment (it's still with the  packages...)
so I hope I can write you all again soon and I also hope that you all arefine.

greetings

sarcastig dog

Seems like I'm some whiny emo-kid now...but you know what. I don't care anymore.

I cared to much for the last 19 years....I don't want any  more.
I don't want to have these or whatever responsibilities.
I don't want to have this depression...
I don't want to see any people who would remind me about how lonely I truly am.
I don't want to have problems with my live.
I don't want to be kind anymore...but I can't help it....
I don't want to dissapoint anybody....
i don't want to be ignored by classmates anymore just because they think I'm freaky and weird.
I don't want to cry....and I don't want to hurt.
Seems like the rain over here is finally gettin to me...I haven't felt like this since I failedt the exam at language-school. Or maybe it's the lack of woods...I used to have them all aorund me when i was living with my parents....

Those damn worries are eating me alive. I'm afraid of spending money 'cause I fear that I won't be able to pay the bills at the end of the month then. Though I probably won't call for help. I'm that proud...and obviously stupid. Everything in my live seemed to strained now...and the thread is about to snap.

Maybe I'm really some whiny bitch...nothing went smoothly for me, so those people who read this entry and think that....should all go and fuck themselves. From my point of view my life is a mixture of breakdowns where people managed to tear that little castle in myself down around my ears.

In fact all that I want now to have around me is my family....my mother, my dad and my little brother....but that would be near impossible.
Oh and don't you ever ask me the question: "What's the meaning of live?" ...cause appearently I don't have any no more....


this is me signing out....

PS: that's no suicide note...I'm far to much of a coward to do something stupid like that....

so...
I didn't post here for a very long time.

Seems like I waited for all that crap to mount till it was so much that I couldn't handle it myself.

Now it's official. I'm obviously not only to kind but also a fool, an idiot even. Why do I even try to help people when I get nothing but problems in return.

I did lend money to a few people ...and it seems that I'm not getting it back in the near future...that's about 250  $  (from 2 different people ..one about 180 and the other 44...) we're talking about here.
I tried to bash my skull in before, didn't work all that i got was a mild headache. I need that money back...

How do get money from an account that is blocked. 'cause that's the problem here...they blocked her bank account and she won't get any money out of it till her depts are paid.
I seriously consider to find a decent job...but that's going to be difficult here when you don't have either experience or a qualified  degree.
...plus you don't earn much from being a comic-artist here in Germany.

GAH! I don't know what i should do...bashing my brains out seems like an option again, though that means I would get into hospital...and that 's something I don't want.


EDIT: She just said that she trys to manage to get it all till the middle of march...really hope it will work... was wrong about the amount..changed that...

seems like I made myself quite rare here in the last few weeks.
So folks...I'm still alive.
Just in the last I lacked the motivation to update this journal...don't know why.

I posted my fanfiction on FF.net

projectraven you should look here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4011607/1/Long_winter_nights

as for the name ...all you have to do is taking the space inbetween out ^^

c ya all folks

Originally I wanted to post the new chapters of my fanfiction yesterday. However being the idiot that I am
 I managed to look myself out of my flat....and everybody was gone away for christmas.

I thought I could post them today, however I don't have time for typing it all down. I have to0 get the train at 12: 34.

so...I say the next four chapters ( oO...) will be posted after christmas, because I won't be online over the holidays.
My parents have internet but they have a crappy ISDN- line and they pay for it...so I don't want to stress that out.

Merry Christmas to all !

c ya

Hope nobody has forgotten about this ...
so here it is again...plus the new added chapter.

 

 

so...

First of all thanks to everyone who commented in the last entry...I'm very grateful for your concern.

It wasn't as serious as I thought...but I still be careful in the next few weeks...aka lots of drinking ^^
On a different note: my neck decided to act up again and now is stiff again...can't turn my head proberly and it's givin me a slight headache.
Have an apointment with the doc next week...

I have the theory that I snapped a bit of muscle-tiissue there (not a whole muscle...) or cranked a nerve somewhere.

As far as it goes I'm well again ^^

Thank you all


PS: tgifa: You're right I have to inform myself about that. Thanks for the tipp ^^

so...here I'am frightend...well not so much that I can't move or think...otherwise I wouldn't be writing this piece here.

I fear that I maybe getting seriously ill...or that I already am.
Could also be some irational fear of me...but I know the symptoms to an extent...and

No, I'm not a hypochonder!!

I had a really bad case of pain in the left kidney-area this morning...it's gone now but that jolted me a bit I guess.
Hell, I dtill don't know if I have a fever ...however light that may be.

I had a really bad pyelitis (kidney-fever it's called in Germany ) when I was seven and milder one when i was about 12 or 13. I won't bore you with the medical details...the fact is: The doctors told me back then that , if I would get it another time...they would have to remove one of my kidneys. They did want to remove it back then, but I refused...I was so scared.

And that's the reason I'm scared now...
1: I hate hospitals! (have hated them ever since that time.)
2. I can't afford to stay in hospital for weeks....
      even if my insurance would cover half of it (which I'm sure they won't do, although I leave big loads of             money with them I would have to pay for a few years...
3. I'm scared of the possible outcome. If I did catch it a third time ...let's not go there...I have a friend with           almost the same problem, only worse and he likes to quote that he'll probably never reach 50 without the      help of a dialysis ...

So I hope...I really hope that this is only some stupid irational fear and that I will be fine...

PS: No I didn't write that, just to get attention.

oooohhh HTMl-coding...watch me screw it up..>_

...
I know that should have written that speech here yesterday, but I simply didn't have the energy to do so ...and I'm sure that you would understand.
We have now 2007 (and almost 2008)...it's been so long since you've gone away little brother of mine.
I thought about lighting a candle for you ...however I also thought that maybe that would but something here in my room on fire.
regarding tidyness I'm even worse than Mom and Dad combined.

I miss you. I think everyone who got the chance of knowing you misses you. Sometimes I catch myself crying at some careless comment...that doesn't happen very often but it stings  all the same.
Just today, while walking home from school I realised that I've been all alone nearly half my life...and when I got someone who I could share my thoughts with ...I made a stupid decision and never really got the chance of talking to you...I'm sorry.
I was...no I'm your older sister you adored so much that you put a poster of me in your room....God, I wish I would have been that poster.

I really want to smack those people who thought that you were a "poor child" who didn't have any fun in his life...(like my Greataunt...) You and I had everything we could dream of. We had some parents who loved us (Mom loved me so much that she let myself decide if I wanted to go with her or not..giving your child ways to decide something important that's love) you and I had friends...some people say that I should or could have been jealous because you had the privilege of staying with Mum and and Dad....but I how could I hate you for that, little brother.? You made them happy ! You made them so much happy...something that I couldn't do ...

I could go about this endlessly, brother. I have so much to talk to you ...maybe someday we will see each other and than we can do all the talking and playing we want. Sometimes I try to imagin what would have  been if you had been healthy. A lot would have been different I'm sure...I would have been different...

I miss you, I really miss you and wherever you are at the moment, I hope you have fun. I'll meet you some day ...I'm sure of it.
Could you save a place on the swings for me.

I see you later ...
Wherever you are
Your big sister.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No this is not a suicide note!
It's a letter to my brother whop died yesterday seven years ago.
Be glad that you still have your family intact (for those who had deaths of close realtives occur ...my sympathies...) and give them a hug for me.


Sarcastic-Dog